How many of you have ever read a book or watched a movie that you didn’t like at all? That left you feeling cruddy? That bored you and felt like a waste of your time?
What did you do afterward? Did you finish it and think “I really can’t wait to read or watch that again tomorrow, the next day and the day after that!?” My guess is, no. Like me, you would probably put it away never to be opened or watched again.
Thinking of this made me wonder, why should the stories we tell ourselves in life be treated any differently?
I have been on a personal healing journey for what seems like my whole life. I’ve acknowledged that I’m not happy, that I rarely experience joy, and that I continuously put myself down. I‘ve worked with over 30 therapists, tried a handful of medications, been treated in full time inpatient facilities, attempted “alternative methods”…the whole shebang.
While some of these healing avenues have brought me temporary symptomatic relief, overall the same patterns remained. My underlying beliefs remained. My apathy for life and deep seeded self-hatred remained. As the same story was being played in my mind, it was, too, being played out in my life.
I wasn’t actually taking any steps toward truly healing. Because a part of me didn’t want to heal. A part of me didn’t want to let go.
My brain is, and has been, at war with itself. A small piece of me wanting to heal, wanting more out of life, wanting to be happy. But a much larger chunk of my brain very content with where I am. Feeling that I deserve to be unhappy. Convinced that I am unlovable, worthless, stupid, ugly, not good enough. This part of my brain has convinced me the “other side” may be even worse.
Today, I’m in a different place. That small piece that wants to heal is getting stronger and I sense a change of tides with the war in my head. I’m tired of telling myself the same story. I’m tired of putting myself through the emotional abuse. I’m tired of waking up everyday wishing that I were never born.
Having had this story playing in my life for 30 years, it’s difficult to even know where to start to change it. A part of me still likes the old story. I know how events will play out; I know the ending. It’s comfortable, safe, and there is a level of certainty with it. Part of me still wants to keep that story around.
As I was contemplating where to begin to make a positive, sustainable change in my life toward self-love and confidence, I came across the giving key. I loved the story of their company, and when I browsed through their keys I found what I was looking for. “Let Go.” My mantra for 2017. I have tried it my way. I have tried to hold on to my old beliefs. It’s not working for me.
This year I want to let go. Let go of judging, both others, and myself. Let go of excuses. Let go of perfection. Let go of resistance. And let go of those parts of the story I’ve been telling myself for years that aren’t serving me.
It’s time for a new story. One that captivates me and leaves me feeling so positive, energized and happy that I can’t wait to read it again!
I invite you all to join me in letting go of a pattern, a story, an emotion that is no longer bringing positivity to your life!
Sending Health and Healing Your Way,